How to avoid a cosmic fail
Mercury is about to go retrograde on August 12. Again. And until September 5, we’ll all have to weather this signal-scrambling cosmic event. The AstroTwins help your sign avoid a cosmic fail, so, uh, don’t do this.
Aries (March 31-April 20)
You love adding your two, even three, cents to any lively discussion Aries—and don’t let anyone ask you to stifle your strong opinions! But with Mercury retrograde in your sign this time, you could come across as heavy-handed and domineering. Your ego is not your amigo, Ram. Aim for understanding instead of battling to be right. Otherwise, you could start a war on Twitter.
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Energy vampires don’t always appear in obvious form, Taurus, nor do they respond to the old garlic and cross routine. So beware, Bull, or you could get drained dry by the perpetually freaked out friend. As she keeps digging herself deeper into the hole, you exhaust yourself picking up the pieces. Set boundaries to preserve your sanity. And repeat after us: I will not stage an intervention before May 3.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s not exactly a struggle for oh-so-charming you to gain VIP entry to the cool kids’ club. But at what price? The lure of status could sweep away your good senses, Gemini. (And yes, we know…open bar…) Don’t ditch the people who have earned their loyalty points to gain insider status with a new squad. Real friends are hard to come by.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Like sign-mate Solange, you deserve your seat at the table—good old boys’ club, whatever! But with this Mercury retrograde falling in your tenth house of men, things could go awry with the guys. Don’t share your trade secrets with a “bropropriator,” or spend a paycheck on golf clubs just to fit in. But don’t make assumptions either. That dude in the baseball cap might actually be a feminist too.
Leo (July 21-August 20)
Life is performance art and occasionally live theater—at least in the world of a flamboyant Leo. And with that come the costume changes. But with Mercury retrograde in your ninth house of diversity, take extra care not to step in the cultural appropriation trap. (Leo Kylie Jenner has certainly caught flak for her cornrows.) And sorry no, you shouldn’t buy a full headdress for festival season. It’s not an “homage.”
Virgo (August 21-September 20)
With Mercury as your ruling planet, you have a PhD in retrogrades. You know better than to send a drunken Snapchat or email your boss or bae without a copy editor’s review. But with Mercury backing up through shade-throwing eighth house, you could shoot some daggers with your eyes. Don’t burn bridges with a “subtle glance,” fix your face, Virgo! Until May 3, keeping your expression cordial is a wise political move.
Libra (September 21-October 20)
Time heals all wounds, or so they say. And as a peace-loving Libra, you’re generally eager to extend a post-breakup olive branch to an ex. But don’t! With this Mercury retrograde going down in your relationship house, reconciliation efforts could go all wrong. Take off the rose-colored glasses. That unappreciative stoner who never bought you a damn meal was not “the one that got away.” Do not be a romantic revisionist, Libra, or you could mess up a good thing you’ve got going on in the present.
Scorpio (October 21-November 20)
Good help is hard to find—especially when you have the exacting standards of a Scorpio. And during this particular Mercury retrograde you will have zero patience for bad service or sub-par work. But hang on before you read the waiter at your favorite restaurant or cut a colleague down to size. You might be justified, but you’ll wind up looking like an asshole. Rewind and be kind. Everyone deserves onegentle warning, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Spring is in the air and you’re feeling fine—justifiably so! And people keep showering you with compliments, a confidence boost that might lead you to livestreaming your life like a VH-1 reality show. But with Mercury retro in your fame zone, your messaging could be off. Stop the cameras and work on your branding. Schedule a photo shoot for after May 3 when Mercury corrects course and spares you a citation from the fashion police.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
Your sister’s going through a breakup. You dad needs dental surgery. A cousin is flying in from out of state and needs a place to stay. Capricorn to the rescue? Uh-oh. With retrograde Mercury muddying the waters in your home and family zone, family could quickly turn into your f-word. Take off the cape and de-plane from your invisible jet, Wonder Woman. Sometimes it’s enough to simply say, “I understand” instead of rushing in to rescue all your relatives and exhausting yourself in the process.
Aquarius (January 21-February 20)
Stop! Don’t send that Snap! This Mercury retrograde is a double whammy for Aquarians since it’s muddling messages in your third house of communication. When it comes to all mobile communications, make sure you’ve checked the right recipients. Like, are you sexting Daniel…or Dad? Bitching about your boss…to your boss? This could get embarrassing. Rule of thumb(typing): Don’t put anything racy or snarky in writing until after May 3.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oooh, look at what’s being wheeled out at all the boutiques—floral print dresses for days! You never met a sale rack you didn’t like, Pisces. Or a consignment shop or antique outpost. But with Mercury backspinning in your finance house, avoid any “final sale” purchases like the plague. You might get stuck with a shrunken festival romper or a wrong-sized coffee table. Make sure to measure. It doesn’t matter if it’s Midcentury if it doesn’t fit through your apartment door!
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